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If in your adult life you’ve only stared at your crush from afar and never mustered the courage to say “Hello,” then in all probability you are going to die alone. But if you’d like to change that, here are 11 ways to get your crush to say “Yes.”


Want to ask a lady out but don’t know how? No stress. Help is at hand.
(PS: If you’re seriously seeking it in a magazine, you
REALLY need help.)


Be Original  In this land of Pritams and Anu Maliks think of the bonus points you’ll get for being an A.R. Rahman. Too much pressure? We’ll even settle for a Vishal Dadlani! Try an original approach. Eg: “What say you rescue me from dabba food/my maid’s cooking tonight and pick me up for dinner?” She’s a lot more likely to say yes when you’ve got her to smile.


Be Fit  Call me shallow but I’m shallow with a fetish for a worked-out body. No, we’re certainly not asking you to have six-pack abs because who can dig into gooey chocolate delights with wild abandon when there is a crazy calorie-counting Greek statue sitting across from us! But being asked out by someone with a paunch just makes us feel like we got pulled over by the traffic havildar! Give us something pleasant to look at across the dinner table and we’ll be happy to break bread with you.


Size Matters  Ha! Got you with that one, didn’t I? What I mean is little things matter. Small gestures speak volumes about you. Like holding the door open for her, remembering the way she likes her coffee, noticing small new things about her like a new haircut or specs (PS: Flirter discretion advised. “Hey, I noticed you got your upper lip threaded” is a no-go.)


Confidence  If you’re going to be all shaky, nervous and breathless while asking her out the most you’ll get from her is a nebuliser! Confidence is a very attractive feature in a man. Just make sure not to cross over to cocky, though. Case in point—Justin Timberlake vs Justin Bieber.


Don’t be a one BHK  Flowers and chocolates and attention are great but what we women like the most is our space. So don’t crowd us like a Mumbai apartment. Handle the fact that we may have friends other than you and may smile at texts that are not always yours and that even though you see the blue ticks that tell you we’ve read your WhatsApp message, we might not be compelled to respond immediately. If you like her that much be willing to wait for her.


Doggy Style  I do not subscribe to the point of view that all men are dogs. Mainly because dogs are far ahead of the game. In fact, I’d say they’ve already won the game… paws down. But if your lady is a dog person, the surest way to get her to like you is to make friends with her dog or feed a stray in her presence. Even if you get friendzoned later, at least you’ll have made a friend for life.


Lie to Us  Forget what books tell you. Trust me, we love it when you lie to us because it makes us feel like you cared enough. We get mad when you get caught only because you didn’t care enough to cover your tracks well! After all, what does it take to lie? You have to think about it, invest in it, spend time over it, commit to it… what else do you think we want from a relationship? Besides, when was the last time you truthfully answered any of these questions—“Do you like my mom?” “Do you think I need to lose weight?” “Do you think I’m a bad driver?” The truth shall
set you free indeed but we’ll get you with the alimony.


Direct Approach  Here’s a secret I should be charging large sums of money for sharing with you. Sometimes the direct approach is the best approach. We women are so not used to men being forthright and saying exactly what they have in mind. When they do that we are like deer caught in headlights. Your lady interest will say “yes” just out of sheer shock and bemusement. Think Barney Stintson in How I Met Your Mother.


Don’t Groom at the Same Salon  Metrosexual is fine but it is very hard for us to find you “manly” if we’ve seen you with a hairband, face pack and cucumber slices over your eyes in a chair next to us!


Don’t be the “Others” Folder Type  You know the kind I’m talking about. The no common friends on FB, saw profile picture and doing chance pe dance “I wan make fraandship wid u” types. There’s a reason why even Facebook relegates them to the “others” folder. So, the golden rule of asking a girl out is that she should at least have some idea of your existence.


If none of the above work, there is a sure-shot way to get in her good books. But remember this one is not for the faint-hearted. Are you ready?


Offer to Stand in the ATM/Bank Queue for Her   If this doesn’t melt her she’s an android in human form here to study earthlings. And a lifetime with such a person isn’t going to be fun for anyone. Ask Men in Black.


Disclaimer: The writer is a comedian. Please take her advice with a pinch of salt.

By meher