Sexual Sutra

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In 2013, we give you the mantra for 12 full months of ecstasy. All you need to know is this: Every girl has a hidden weakness. It’s your job to exploit it. And, as that plays out, we list the best “gifts” to keep her coming back for more... and more.

 

So a girl friend of ours—no, not our girlfriend—had been dating this guy for a few months when he showed up to dinner wearing glasses instead of his usual contacts. He explained apologetically that one of his lenses had fallen down the drain. But the dude had no idea that his mishap was actually a blessing in disguise. He was about to find out, after our adventurous friend mounted him in the restaurant bathroom, that his glasses were her turn-on weakness. When she sees a well-groomed, decently turned-out guy in spectacles, she immediately wants to fog up his lenses through some crazy sex.

Here’s the point: Some of the simplest things in the world can destroy a woman’s sexual control. These secret vulnerabilities come in many forms—some are pretty common, like a glasses fetish or a salt-and-pepper hair fetish—and others bizarre, as in the case of a woman who gets hot at the sight of a pointy snaggletooth. “Guys always want to talk about how much money they make or how often they work out,” she says. “But it isn’t the size of their pecs or wallets that’ll get me into bed. It’s how closely they resemble a vampire. What can I say? I think fangs are fucking hot.” Don’t bother, we’ve already cursed that thing called Twilight.

In the real world, believe it or not, chances are that you possess at least one unusual trait that will drive a woman wild. But this weapon is useless if you don’t know how to identify it and take advantage of it. So, using stories and insight from several female friends, lovers and victims, we’ve identified the most common types of lady catchers. All you need to do is find out which category you belong to, and you’re ready to become 0ne of her bedtime essentials.

The Geeks

Most men grow up believing that they have to be tough, or rich, or pretty, to get laid. But women are a step ahead—they have understood for years that it’s nerds who really rule the world. (Yes, we mean you... Mark Zuckerberg!) Geeks are the rock stars of the modern age, which is why many things that signal dorkiness in a guy will trigger horniness in a girl. Swati*, 29, a public relations manager, is a sucker for her boyfriend’s collection of Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Star Trek and The Big Bang Theory limited-edition DVDs and other memorabilia. “He is like this guru who has a fan following of geeks and they’re all into Hobbits, Spock and that stuff. He’s unlike any other guy I have ever gone out with,” she says. “And I find it weirdly sexy that he’s so enthusiastic about something other than chicks or sports. Makes me want to play maiden him until his sheets are soaked.”

Often, you don’t even need a prop to get a geek-loving girl’s libido revved. A bold display of brainpower is enough to do the trick. “My ex-boyfriend would shout out answers to those brain shows on TV, and would normally get every single one of them right,” says Aditi*, a 27-year-old model. “I’d get so turned on that by the time the show ended I’d be on my knees, giving him head.”

According to sex and relationship experts, geek worship is long overdue: The era of the “bad boy” is pretty much over. Now, eligible and sexy young women know a decent guy with a brain can service them in ways a bad boy would never bother to. So break out that busted vintage globe and get a framed periodic table of elements on your wall—nerdiness could earn you some extra sexual credit.

The Freaks

If you’ve always felt self-conscious about being the skinniest or the hairiest or the most pockmarked, you’re in for a surprise! Your physical weirdness has likely been driving some women crazy for years. “I love a guy with a big nose,” says 33-year-old Trina*, a jewellery designer. “I’m not sure why, but all my ex-boyfriends had huge noses. Whenever I see a guy with a prominent nose, all I can think about is sitting on his face.”

Truth be told, not all women prefer the clichéd ideal of tall and handsome. Instead, some women want a guy who stands out. “My ultimate weakness is weird scars,” says Mohini*, 27, a sales executive with a multinational. “One time I hooked up with a guy who had a huge one across his face. Before he even finished telling me that it was from a bad accident, I almost had one hand down his pants and my tongue in his mouth. There’s just something completely badass and fuckable about a man who’s suffered major injuries and actually pulled out of it.” She’s not alone, of course.

Experts weigh in with this: Some attributes are about bucking convention or busting norms. Anything that goes against what women have been told to like can be arousing for them because it seems forbidden. Sarah*, a 35-year-old marketing professional, discovered as much after dating a man she towered over with her 5 ft 7 in frame. “He was only 5 ft 2 in, and all my friends were baffled as to why I was seeing him. But he put more effort into sex, probably to compensate for his stature. He was crazily into oral too. What made the relationship so exciting was that he wasn’t insecure about himself or his size in any way. That little body with that big heart really stoked my fire.”

The Dirtbags

For many girls, cleanliness is not next to sex-godliness. Skip a shower or two and you may find women answering your call of the wild. “Call me crazy, but I go nuts for guys with that lived-in look—you know, kind of bearded and dishevelled,” says Nidhi*, 28, a psychologist. “My boyfriend has an outdoor job and recently came back from a factory smelling like lubes had been used to wash his armpits. He was heading straight for the shower, but I pulled him into bed before he got the chance.” Chandni*, a 29-year-old homemaker, also flips for the unkempt man. “My husband went out on an office retreat with the boys and didn’t shave for a couple of weeks,” she says. “He looked pretty much like a nomad or something at that point. The funny thing is, I have never wanted to bone him more. And I haven’t let him shave since.”

Now, this doesn’t mean women across the country are pleasuring themselves to thoughts of the bums who haven’t taken a bath in two years. However, a smidgen less attention to grooming can signal that you’re laid-back about your appearance. “I don’t hate seeing dirt under my guy’s nails, even though he thinks I do,” says Kathy*, 27, an independent editor. “To some girls it says, ‘I’m gross.’ But to me it says, ‘I’m not prissy. And yes, I will throw you up against a wall and fuck you—hard.’ Have I said too much?” Perhaps, but at least we’ve gotten a clear (and vivid) picture of her male-attribute weakness.

The Gender-Benders

Do you rescue stray dogs or enjoy making pottery while listening to mushy songs? Do you think taking a bath with scented candles is nice? Don’t worry that she won’t find you manly enough. Sometimes acting like a vagina is the ticket to seeing hers. “I was watching Eat Pray Love with a guy friend and saw a single tear roll down his cheek,” recalls Mandira*, a 33-year-old assistant professor. “After a mental ‘Aww,’ I straddled him on the couch, he pulled my skirt up and we started fucking right there.” That’s pretty hot, right? Wait for the bottom line: Some women just get tired of male posturing. Fiona*, a 28-year-old fashion stylist, was finally convinced to go out with a guy after he made a super-wussy romantic gesture. “He’d asked me out a bunch of times, and I kept saying no,” she says. “Then he called and played the opening theme from Titanic on my voice mail. At the end, he said, ‘My heart will not go on until you go out with me.’ I thought, it takes serious balls to be that much of a pussy! So I did go out with him, and he turned out to be this great guy. We’re getting engaged in 2013.”

The Wild Cards

There are some traits we have that make women go crazy, but here’s the problem: They simply can’t be classified—they are those oddball libido activators that no one would ever expect. “I’m obsessed with men who chew gum,” says Anita*, a 27-year-old banking professional. “Hearing the sound but also seeing his jaw muscles flex gets me all riled up.” And the trigger for Binita*, a 31-year-old academic instructor, is… bad handwriting? “If I see a guy jot something in chicken scratch, I start panting,” she says. “It makes me think he’s really smart—something like his brain works too fast for his pen. I want to distract his frenzied thinking with a blowjob.” The point is, what you think women find sexy isn’t always the case. And what they do find sexy is changing so fast that it’s difficult to keep up. As all our Covergirls say month after month: “Just be yourself.” That’s the best way, and then add a punch by becoming an evil genius. It may be difficult to discern why a woman decides to sleep with you—Was it your argyle sweater? Your third nipple?—but the best way to find her hidden weakness is observation. If you pay attention, you can take clues from your experiences with a woman.

In other words, open your eyes. If she constantly plays with your arm hair, for example, your furriness could be her erotic Achilles’ heel. Once you’ve identified what it is about you that oils her machinery, use it on her. But beware: If you abuse the power, she’ll become immune to it after a point. Isha*, a 25-year-old administrative assistant, experienced this burnout firsthand. “I went out with a guy in a local rock band,” she says. “When I saw him onstage with all that fire and all that attitude, it drove me crazy. I sneaked backstage, and just kissed him. We ended up fucking in the makeshift dressing room, and I loved seeing him sweat off all that glaze and polish as we went at it.” They went out some more and she told him that post a particularly hot encounter after an open-air concert. But after she told him about it, he started using that bit of stage make-up all the time. “He’d show up for dinner looking like he was having a stroke,” she says. “It was embarrassing. I had to break up with him.” The lesson? With great power comes great responsibility. Wait, no. May the force be with you. Nope, that’s not it, either. Just… don’t screw it up.

A word to the wise is sufficient, they say, and we just sprouted some 2,000. Get the picture? No? Re-read, please.

If you have got the drift, it’s time for you to understand how you can combine your one hook-up-friendly quality with these little tricks that will make her yours, or at least get you into her pants for more than 10 minutes.

The trick? Remember that it is better to give than to receive, and what better place to start than in the bedroom? Try one of these sexy scenarios... they’re guaranteed to get her off, and then get her on... top of you!

Get Sentimental Putting the effort into creating a romantic scenario will get most women in the mood faster than a new pair of shoes. “My boyfriend didn’t have a lot of money to spend for a gift, so I was bracing myself for a bouquet of flowers,” says Leslie*, a 23-year-old hospitality professional. “But on Christmas Eve, he texted me, saying, ‘Sorry I’m so poor. You’ve been the best part of my year. Let me prove it by making you feel amazing tonight.’ It was so sweet and genuine that I jumped him the second he got to my door.” So if you can’t afford an extravagant gift, a compliment with some extra innuendo can get you a bigger return—and you save money on wrapping paper!

Help Her Chill“The New Year’s Eve time is tense, and an erotic connection can help with that,” explains Carol Queen, PhD, a staff sexologist with online sex toy store Good Vibrations. “Taking the time to satisfy your partner is a great, pleasurable distraction, even if you’re not adding anything new into the mix.” So when your girl’s stressing over what fruit basket to buy your mom, find a moment to lay her down on the bed, cover her in kisses and let extended foreplay lead to an explosive orgasm. She’ll forget the world for a while, and have your back when the increments do not come through.

Linger Down ThereInstead of getting your girl hot and bothered as a mere primer for sex, slow down and let her savour the experience. “We’d just gotten married, and when my husband and I went to visit family over New Year’s, sex wasn’t an option on the creaky bed in my uncle’s house,” says Malti*, a 27-year-old consultant. “One night, he went down on me for an hour, putting pressure on my clit with his tongue and alternating between slow and fast licks. Just thinking about it makes me horny!”

Let Good Girls Go BadYou may enjoy your girl’s goodie-goodie act, but encouraging her to unleash her inner vixen can be a huge turn-on for both of you. “I’m not very religious, and last year my boyfriend invited me to celebrate the festivals with his family. I read up on the traditions and did my best to impress them,” says Rachita*, a 25-year-old marketing pro. “Back at our place, he gave me a box with a whip and a note that said, ‘You’ve been so good, now I want you to be bad to me.’ Under the circumstances, it was the perfect gift.” Giving her the reins in the bedroom can be a huge turn-on, and gifting her with the right props can only enhance the experience.

Make A Wish ListIf your girl isn’t into surprises, ask her to create a holiday wish list of her specific sex fantasies. Write them on separate pieces of paper, put them in a jar by your bed, and randomly pick one any night you’re feeling frisky. “My fiancé and I are used to not being able to get it on at either of our parents’ houses,” says Yamini*, a 31-year-old homemaker. “It’s pretty cheesy, but last year we planned a ‘sex catalogue.’ We each put six sex scenarios we’d been craving in a box and pulled one out a night leading up to New Year’s Eve. Come family time, we felt super naughty knowing all the dirty stuff we’d done.”

Wrap Her UpLots of girls like to make a present out of themselves, surprising their guys with something special in the bedroom: “Here’s something lacy to unwrap. (Inside: Boobs!)” A lot of women enjoy becoming live gifts for their partners. The end of the year gives them a boost of confidence and a context to make sex especially memorable. A luxurious set of lingerie can be the perfect way to pamper your girl, and she’ll be more than eager to show her gratitude by taking it off to repay you. Yes, some girls will do anything to get out of writing a thank-you note. Moral of the story: Let her be a bit uninhibited.

“Punish” Naughty GirlsAsk your girl if she’s been naughty or nice this year. If she says the former, chances are she’ll be fine with a little spanking. “My boyfriend already knew that I loved the idea of being dominated,” shares Maria*, a 29-year-old therapist. “One Christmas Eve he sent a card that read, ‘I hear you’ve been a naughty girl.’ That night, after a smack on my ass, I came harder than ever.”

Play Props MasterMany women have sexy hobbies, so find a gift to complement those activities. “Last year, I’d started Pilates classes and my husband said that he’d like to see me work those moves into a striptease,” says Tanya*, a 30-year-old executive. “Given the elaborate lingerie he got me for it, the act turned out to be a win for both of us.” So even if your girl’s pastime is reading erotic fiction, promise her you’ll provide the props. Warning: If she says “strap-on dildo,” there’s no backing out (just bending over). Not into that? Steer clear of that “literature” every girl out there seems to be reading.

Give Her Minutes In Heaven You can’t underestimate the power of sneaking away from the festivities and partying to get a few minutes alone (and undressed) with each other. “In the midst of the New Year’s Eve bash at my sister’s place, my guy whispered how much he wanted me—right then,” says Ekta*, a 23-year-old accountant. “We bolted to the spare bedroom and had the hottest quickie ever.” Horniness doesn’t know the year is about to end, but she does. No sense wasting that knowledge.