Cyrus Sahukar: 24 Hours

 

CYRUS SAHUKAR MAXIM

CYRUS SAHUKAR

 

From an Andrew Lloyd Webber-Roshan Abbas production in the ’90s to becoming a pioneer of comedy in the country, Sahukar has come a long way. Now, he’s taking a one-way trip to the other side.

 

How would you like to go?

 

I would like to die in a room surrounded by people I love, after a beautiful meal. We’ll be playing Pictionary and it’ll be raining outside. My last moment would be a drawing.

 

Now give us the special effects version.

 

There’s a storm outside, we’re playing Pictionary and I win! In excitement I mistake a rocket launcher for a digger doo and decide to play with it. In the process I blow my brains out—it’s a violent death with lots of blood.
Warning: we’ll need a massive budget for this.

 

What is your deathbed confession?

 

Deathbed confessions are only good for films. I have never understood people who make deathbed confessions. They’re usually morbid stuff like, “Son, you were adopted” or “I left all my money to the cat so rot in hell, you bastards!” I want something far more pleasant before I’m off, like, “Nice tie, Jagdeep...bye!”

 

Are you going to heaven or hell?

 

I’m pretty sure I’m going to heaven because hell is booked out by super successful people.

 

What song will be playing at your funeral?

 

None—it’s a funeral, not a dance party at the tower of silence! If I hear even one song, there will be war.

 

What’s your last meal?

 

My last meal would be saag mutton that my grandmother used to make with dal, pulao and yesterday’s raita that we’ll reuse.

 

While on Earth, what did you blow the most money on?

 

On food, real estate and worrying about the future which led me to buy more insurance policies than anyone I know.

 

What book do you regret not finishing?

 

The Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson. I know very little about very little and the rest is highly confusing. So I wish I could have just finished that book and had an opinion about stuff.

 

If you could be anyone else, who would you be?

 

I would like to be one of those random guys that you read about in the corner of a newspaper: “Plumber wins $300,000,000 lottery.” That sounds like a lot of fun although studies have proven that every time someone wins a lottery eventually they are more miserable than they were before they won it.

 

Who would you spy on from the
great beyond?

 

Dude, if I live a natural life and die, then almost everyone I know will also be pretty old. I don’t want to be spying on some wrinkly old person with dentures in the shower!

 

What’s the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive?

 

Wild? Indians don’t need wild stuff or adventure sports; we don’t need bungee jumping to have a near-death experience.
For that we just drive from Bandra to Panvel—the wildest thing I have ever done is survived Bombay traffic.

 

What is your biggest regret?

 

I have been lazy about the important stuff and incredibly proactive about the stuff that didn’t matter. People like me are incredibly disciplined, hardworking and punctual. It’s just that my disciplines are all wrong. I wish
I was disciplined about writing and not playing video games.

 

Any apologies before you’re gone?

 

Sorry for not doing enough for you, planet Earth. Sorry for being a consumer—I tried!

 

Will anyone be cracking jokes at

 

your funeral?

 

I’m not exactly attending my funeral, am I?
Or is this one of those Madonna videos where I’m hovering over my dead body. If that’s the case I’m sure my funeral will be full of jokes. I’m surrounded by comedians. And people who think they are funny but are not, and people who think they aren’t funny but they really are. Plus the people I know have an inherent selfishness so I’m sure there will be
a big lunch afterwards and they will all play music and dance.